As I screamed at the top of my lungs "Up yours you fucking wanker" at 1:15 AM at the guy who had just told me I was a complete twat and to have a think about it, before coming thorugh the door to be told by my Dad how I sounded like a complete thug and reflected badly on the family, after having been to a party during which I got tied up with brown tape to a chair and was drawn all over and cut with a pair of scissors by a bunch of people I never did get round to identifying, whilst being laughed at by another bunch of people I also never got round to identifying I thought to myself: "Where did I actually go wrong"? It seems every time I go to a party or some sort of social gathering I am without failure the odd one out. Whether I go thinking to myself "Ok I will just blend in and draw no attention whatsoever to myself" or "Ok tonight I'm going to be the loud confident one" I always come back from these thigns feeling completly rejected and like rather than making a whole loada new friends I've just presented myself as a complete idiot to everyone. Those few times I am actually confident enough to talk to a group I cringe as I listen to myself spouting complete and utter crap (which to be fair is pretty witty in my opinion but not to the understanding of a bunch of teenagers) which true captures everyone's attention for as long as I possibly want but not at all in the good way.
Last night after coming back from a party with my mate and a girl pissed out of her head, I remember being the only half sober person and was concenred with getting her and my mate also drunk safely back home. I remember how this girl, who during school has spoken to me like twice, yet was handed over to me by her mates to get her home, said I was lame and boring just because unlike my mate or every other boy I wasnt trying to take advantage of her and actually trying to get her safely back home.
I've REALLY had enough. I'm going to take a time out from things for a while, all things, including devinatart. No im not leaving, but I dont feel like anything at all at the moment. I feel like I need to re think my self portofloio and seriously change who I am. So I'll see you all round here shortly...or not so shortly.
Peace everyone